Dealing with perfectionism

[Gábor]

I think it’s not a surprise that perfectionism is very common among stutterers and we’re never satisfied with our speech.

For example: I had a 2 minute speech today at SAM and I was unsatisfied with myself after that. Then I thought: “dude, you just talked spontaneously for two minutes in front of people most of them you don’t even know or talked to before, in a language that isn’t your native language (so you must think about the words which is usually not a great idea as a PWS), so what’s the deal?” 😀

Or I thought I had speech “incidents” that actually weren’t real incidents just small hesitations/repetitions most people have (even those who never even stuttered).

My question is, how to break the habit of being overt perfectionist? Did you have the same problem as coaches and how did you manage to overcome it?

[Javier]

Hi Gábor,
you are right. Everybody stutters. But it is perfectionism what made us become PWS. So we have to stop being so perfectionists. We will never be perfect, we are human beings. But this doesn’t mean that we should not try to do our best in everything we do.
So the difference is in the point of view. Are we seeing the glass half empty or half full?

For example, yesterday, at the SAM meeting, as you said, you spoke for 2 minutes and you did it pretty well. Is there room for improvement? Yes. I also talked there for almost 2 minutes. I also did a good job, I think. But can I do it better? Yes, and I am going to continue working to get there, but always knowing that nobody can speak perfectly.
So what I’m trying to say, Gábor, is that since the first time you and I met in that Q&A session, some months ago, you HAVE IMPROVED A LOT, and you should be very proud of it. Most likely, if you had to give that 2 minute talk some months ago, you would have not spoken like you did today. And that something to celebrate! Count your blessings and keep on working, trying to improve.

So, to break this habit of perfectionism you have to celebrate all your speech successes. So, after speaking (even if you just said something as brief and simple as a “good morning”), ask yourself: did I appear clearly speech disabled? If the answer is “no”, celebrate it, congratulate yourself, because as I said before, probably some months ago you wouldn’t have said it so fluently.
And to be able to improve, the next question to ask to yourself should be: “how could I have done it better?”. But see this from a constructive point of view instead of destructive.

But, again, the most important thing here is learning to see the glass half full instead of half empty.

I hope I have been able to explain myself clearly.

[Gábor]

Yes, that makes sense, thank you!

One thing I really love about WSSA is the honest feedback about our progress. I’ve just told Leah recently that my family members and friends never comment about my speech improvement (maybe they just want to be polite and they don’t mention it), which is a bit frustrating. But I always get valuable feedback from the coaches or from other members on this site.

[Javier]

Yeah, that used to be my case too. Unless I talk about it with my family, they rarely talked to me about it. I must say that I didn’t like to talk about it either.
But the improvement in your speech is very evident, Gábor. You know it, and I’m sure you must be feelinga lot better, more confident, less worried, happier (I’m sure you might even be sleeping better), and that’s what matters.

[Anonymous]

Gabor,

I think the most surprising thing from your post is that you used the word “dude” 😛

I always wanted to speak perfectly, and as you know, my speech is far from perfect. I speak fast, I rattle on and on etc. One day, I started realizing how “badly” fluent people speak. They could not care less if they hesitate, repeat words, forget words, repeat sounds etc.

The more I started realizing that everybody’s speech is imperfect, and more importantly that NOBODY cares about my speech as they have more important things to focus on, the more I stopped caring what people thought and started accepting that I will never have perfect speech, and neither will anybody else in the world…. AND THAT IS OKAY!!!

[Gábor]

Yes, I understand that from a logical viewpoint, I just need to really feel it.

And yeah, sometimes I tell myself “look, dude/man…”, when I talk to myself and try to explain something to myself I already know. 😀

[Anonymous]

Gabor, one of my favourite affirmations was:

“Today, I will reject anxiety and fear in all of its forms”. This really helped me with speech-related anxiety. Do you have any similar affirmations?

[Gábor]

Actually I don’t have any similar affirmations right now, I’ll add that affirmation you’ve mentioned, thanks for the tip.

[Author]

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